


Påskekrimmen

by rev_lady_mal



Category: Hetalia - Fandom, Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-16 05:50:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18515194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rev_lady_mal/pseuds/rev_lady_mal
Summary: Just in time for Easter! A murder mystery in the Norwegian tradition.





	1. Chapter 1

England neatly stitched a wing on a green bunny flying over a cross-stitched basket full of flowers. Around the basket were brightly decorated eggs. He finished the wing and reached for the minty colored embroidery floss when the phone rang. “Wonder who that could be?” He thought out loud as he stuck the needle into the canvas and looked at the caller ID. “ … Russia?” 

Frowning, he considered ignoring it, then changed his mind and hit the talk button. “Hello, Russia … yes, Happy Easter to you too … Oh?” England’s eyes grew wide. “Are you quite sure? Yes, of course, I will let him know. Good day, Russia.” 

He looked at the phone’s screen, a feeling of dread creeping up his back. “Russia must be wrong.” He pushed the speed dial button for America’s number and listened to it ring on the other end. 

America at that moment was icing a large cake for Easter. With his tongue curved into the corner of his upper lip, he carefully squeezed more bright green icing from the bag he held in his hands. Once he finished with that, he grabbed the bowl of green colored shredded coconut and began sprinkling that over the top of the cake. Off to the side were brightly colored candies of baby chicks, bunnies, and eggs to decorate the cake once the “grass” was in place. 

“This looks fuckin’ great!” America crowed. “Tony needs to get back soon so I can show it to him!” He set the bowl down and looked at the bright green icing, deciding where to stick the candies. “Hope I have enough!” He said as he reached for a large bag of malted milk eggs with a multi-colored speckled eggshell type coating. Just then, his cell phone on the kitchen counter rang. 

America turned and looked at the phone, dropping the bag of candies and reaching over to answer it. “England?” He made a face before answering it. “Yo England! Happy Easter!”

“Hello, yes, Happy Easter to you too.” England sighed. “The reason I had to ring you America … oh damn, there’s just no easy way to say this.” He looked up at the ceiling while scratching the back of his head. “Russia called, and he asked …” 

“Oh yeah, what does that big oaf want?” America grinned as he popped one of the malted milk eggs into his mouth. 

“I really wish you wouldn’t eat when you’re on the phone!” England remarked. “That big oaf wants you.” 

“Well, he can’t have me. I know I’m handsome and hard to resist.” America smirked as he used his free hand to put malted milk eggs on the top of the cake. 

“He doesn’t want you for that!” England facepalmed. “He asked me to tell you that he has found something and you should go see it. He was quite serious.”

America snickered. “He wants me to go see his big, frozen butt?” 

“No damn it! He wants you to identify a body!” England shouted into his phone.

“Huh?” America’s eyes grew big. “A body? Whose body?” 

England sighed. Here was the really hard part. “America, you may want to sit down for this. Russia claims he found the body of an alien in Siberia, and he thinks it’s … he thinks it’s your friend, Tony.”

That wiped the smile off of America’s face. “Tony? Is he sure? I mean, what the fuck is Tony doing in Siberia? He just went down to the corner for some milk … three days ago.” He blinked at the clock. 

“Right. Russia is waiting for you in Siberia. I’m sorry, America. You really need to go.” 

“Yeah, really … need to go.” He hung up on England and stared at the cake in the middle of the kitchen table. “Have to go.” 

The next day America met Russia’s younger sister, Belarus at the small airport not far from where the alien’s body had been found. She was easy to spot: The prettiest girl in a parka who looked like she could rip your head off.

“Come with me,” Belarus stated flatly when he waved and walked over to her. 

America followed her out of the small airport terminal to a large four-wheel drive truck waiting for them. Belarus easily climbed into the driver’s seat and started the truck, then waited for America to join her on the passenger side.

“Uh … thanks, Belarus.” America blurted out, feeling awkward and nervous suddenly. He watched her drive expertly over the snow-covered road. “Have …” He took a deep breath. “Have you seen the body?”

Belarus kept her eyes on the road. “Yes. Russia is there now waiting for us.” 

America for once couldn’t think of anything else to say. He sat silently, growing more nervous until Belarus turned the truck off the main road onto an even more snow-covered road and brought them to a small building. Men wearing heavy coats and ushankas stood around the doorway passing around cigarettes and talking.

Belarus shut off the truck and hopped out into the snow. Walking over to the men she spoke to them in Russian before walking back to America, who stood in the snow next to the truck. “Come with me, Russia is waiting for us.” Without waiting for a reply she turned and walked away from the building into the snow-covered forest.

America stumbled after her. They walked past a few trees into a clearing and began trudging up a snowy hill. When they reached the top America immediately saw Russia standing tall next to a clump of snow covered brush. Belarus waved and hurried toward him, her face showing emotion as soon as she saw her beloved older brother. 

“America. Good to see you.” Russia greeted him, giving him a wave as they came forward. “Ahh, I wish your visit could be a happier one.” Sympathy showed in his eyes as he smiled at his old adversary. He walked up to America and put a hand on his shoulder. “I want to warn you, the body is badly damaged.”

America swallowed and nodded. He watched Belarus walk over to a small tarp and grab the corners. She looked at them both, waiting for the signal to lift the covering up. 

Taking a few deep breaths, America closed his eyes tightly shut and opened them. “Okay.” 

Belarus lifted the tarp away from the body of the small, gray alien underneath. America’s breath caught in his throat when he saw the condition of the poor creature’s body. “Tony?” He looked at Russia. “I … I don’t know if that’s him or not.” Shaking, he walked closer to get a better look. One leg was missing below the knee, and the opposite arm had been severed from the shoulder. America took another haggard breath and sank to his knees in the snow. “Wh-what makes you think this is Tony?”

Russia nodded at Belarus, who pulled the tarp away completely. Next to the little alien was a McDonald’s food bag. 

“Oh, God!” America’s voice shook with emotion.


	2. Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Easter murder mystery continues! What happened to Tony?

Russia reached down and grabbed America before he completely fell in the snow. “Don’t do that! Siberia is not the place to get cold and wet from the snow!” Russia looked over at her sister as she covered the body with the tarp. “Belarus, help inside and give him something warm to drink.” He put his hands under America’s arms and helped him back to his feet.

Belarus walked over to take a very grief-stricken America back to the building, but before she could reach him he spun around and glared at Russia. 

“How did this happen?!” He spat out. “Answer me! What did you do to him?” 

Russia stared at him, “I did nothing but find him, and have England contact you.”

“You’re lying!” America shouted. He lunged at Russia and shoved his shoulders. Russia stumbled and almost fell back into a snowdrift. 

Belarus jumped between them; her knife held in front of her. “Stop it!” She shouted at him. “He did not kill the alien!” 

Russia stood to his full height and smiled. “Belarus, take America inside and help him calm down.” 

Belarus put away the knife and grabbed America by his arm, pushing him in the direction they came. As they crossed over the hill the men he had seen earlier came toward them carrying a box and a bag. “Tony … “

“They are taking him to a research center.” 

“What? No!” America began to struggle. “I fuckin’ promised him I would never let that happen!” 

Belarus stopped and glared at him. “They are going to perform an autopsy!” She grabbed his arm again and dragged him to the small building.

America felt his body go limp. He let Belarus lead him inside and over to a table and chairs sitting in front of a large brick furnace … stove … thing … that took up most of one wall of the building. He sank into one of the chairs and felt like he hadn’t slept in years. 

“Would you like some tea?” Belarus asked as she opened the door of a cupboard and took out two cups. 

“Eh? Don’t like tea. Do you have coffee?” He made a face at the mention of tea. 

“Yes, I have coffee.” She took out a jar of instant coffee and put a spoonful in the cup. She walked over to an inset in the stove/furnace thing where a tank sat and poured steaming hot water into the cups.

America blinked when he saw the hot water fill the cups. “That’s impressive. Is that a big stove?” 

“It is an old Russian stove. It also heated the home and was the best place in the house to sleep.” Belarus brought over the cups and set them on the table. “Hungry?” 

“Always.” 

She went to the cupboard again, opened another door and pulled out a tall, cylinder-shaped cake. It had white icing on top and in red letters in the center:

XБ

America looked at it over his cup of coffee. “What is that?”

“Kulich. It’s traditional for Easter.” She cut into it and put a slice on a plate. After serving him she sat down and sipped her tea. 

America ate some and found it delicious. “This is good!” He looked at the funny looking letters on top. “What does that mean?”

“They are the first letters of the words “Christ is risen.”

“Oh. Cool.” He took another large bite. “I like the raisins and nuts in this.” He finished the cake and sipped the coffee. “Thanks.” 

“Welcome.” Belarus watched the men walk by carrying the box to a waiting truck. 

America turned to see what she was looking at and became very sad again. “Are you sure it’s him? Or even an alien?” 

“Won’t know until we get the results from the lab.” Belarus set down her teacup and looked at him. “You do not need to worry, we have the best scientists for this kind of research.”

He wanted to argue that point. America knew he had the best scientists in his country for research about aliens and UFOs. “Do you do this kind of thing very often?” 

Belarus shook her head, looking sad. “No, not anymore. I really miss it too.” 

America blinked, rather surprised by that remark. “You miss looking for UFOs?”

“Yes. Used to have all the money and time we wanted for research. But after the Soviet Union collapsed, no more.” She sighed and sipped more tea. 

“Oh, I’m sorry.” 

Belarus looked at him. 

“Uh, I mean, not sorry the Soviet Union collapsed of course.”

Belarus glared at him. 

“I-I mean … sorry, you don’t get to look for UFOs like you used to!” 

She frowned, but then they both looked at the door when it opened and Russia stepped inside. 

“Ah, I see you’ve started on the kulich.” He walked to the cupboard and took out a teacup. 

“I made an extra one,” Belarus said. “Are they going to get the results of the McDonald’s bag to us first?” 

“Yes. They will have that ready for us very soon.” Russia set down his cup of tea at the table and then brought over a plate to cut a piece of kulich. 

America drank the last of his coffee, looking at Russia. The alien was found dead in his country, but who else would do that here, other than Russia? “Why did you have England call me, instead of you?” 

“I thought it would be better, hearing it from him instead of me.” Russia ate a bite of the cake. “Mmm, thith is gooth!” 

Belarus beamed at her brother’s praise. 

That night they slept in the small hut house with the large stove. America became horrified when he learned he would sleep on top of the stove with Russia, while Belarus slept on a small bed near the hearth below. Despite Russia’s loud snoring, he found the bed on top of the stove comfortable and warm; he instantly fell asleep and dreamed about being a lumberjack most of the night. 

The next morning America stared at the bowl of steaming hot slop Belarus called kasha. After adding plenty of honey and milk to it he managed to get it down. While Russia and Belarus cleaned the little hut up for the day, a messenger arrived with an envelope. America watched Belarus open it and read it, then show it to Russia. 

“This is … this is unexpected.” 

America couldn’t stand it anymore. “What? What is unexpected?” He jumped out of his chair at the table and walked over to them. He frowned when he looked at the paper and realized it was in Russia’s moonspeak language.

Belarus reread the report. “The analysis of McDonald’s bag and food wrappers shows … salmon and dill sauce.” Looks at America. “I’m afraid there is nothing else there.” 

America stared at them. “Salmon? Since when does McDonald’s serve salmon?” 

Russia and Belarus exchanged glances. “It depends on the McDonald’s and what part of the world they are in.” 

America stared. “Huh?” 

Russia. “Don’t you eat at McDonald’s in other parts of the world? Germany serves beer.” 

“India serves no beef burgers, and Japan has shrimp burgers,” Belarus added. 

“In Russia, you can get potato wedges, blini, and deep fried brie.”

“Oh, those are tasty too.” Belarus nodded.” 

America looked between them. “Does anyone eat a burger at McDonald’s anymore?” Thinking about them made him hungry for one … or ten. 

“Different people like different food. McDonald’s adapts.” Russia smiled.

“I like the pasta they serve in the Philippines,” Belarus added. 

“Pasta … in the Philippines.” America shook his head. “Okay. So which countries have salmon burgers with dill sauce at McDonald’s?” 

Belarus read more of the report. “Norway, and Finland.”


	3. Part III

The taxi stopped in front of a large, comfortable looking house. America paid the driver and opened the door, stepping out first before helping Belarus out of the car. She still looked upset that Russia had decided not to join them. Together they walked to the front door and waited as Belarus pushed the button for the doorbell.

They heard shouting and feet running closer until the door flew open and Sealand looked at him. “Dad! Belarus and America are here!” His face had a ring of melted Easter chocolate on it. “Hey, America! Did Jerk England come with you?” 

“Hi, Sport! Haha! No, Jerk England didn’t come with me.” 

Belarus cleared her throat. “We are here to speak to Finland. Is he here?” 

Sealand grinned at Belarus. “Nope! Mom’s warming up the sauna! It’s around back.” 

Sweden appeared at the door. “Finland’s ‘round back. Come in.” 

“Are you gonna join us in the sauna?” Sealand snickered, grinning at Belarus. 

America cleared his throat as they entered the house. “We need to ask Finland some questions.” 

“Actually, laznia sounds good,” Belarus replied.

“Eh … what?” America looked at Belarus. They needed to talk to Finland, not sweat in a hotbox!

Sweden nodded and led them through the house to the back door. Sealand danced around them and sprinted toward the sauna when they exited the house through the back.

“Mom! America and Belarus are here!” Sealand shouted as he rushed into the sauna, already stripping off his clothes and throwing them toward a bench. 

“Sealand, h’ng up your clothes,” Sweden said, as he followed him inside and sat to take off his shoes. 

Finland was already nude and had his hand on the door into the sauna proper when he saw the others come in. He glanced at them and smiled. “Hi, there! Sealand, don’t call me Mom. Come in when you’re ready, I’ll get it nice and hot for us.” He stepped inside and closed the door. 

Belarus was already in only her bra and panties, which made America spin around and blush profusely. “Uh … are we _all_ going into the sauna … together?” 

The other three stared at the same time. 

“Duh! Yeah, we all go in at the same time!” Sealand winked at Belarus, who ignored him as she stripped nude and followed Sweden into the sauna. “Hurry up, America!” He already had his hand on the door, “Get naked already.”

America’s blush reached down to his chest as he quickly disrobed. Was this even legal? 

Sealand snickered as he opened the door. “You’re even more of a prude than Jerk England.” He stepped in and splashed himself with water in a bucket by the door before having a seat with the others on the bench. The room was already filled with steam and wet bodies as the others watched them enter. 

America swallowed hard with his hands cupped in front to conceal himself. He walked in and watched Sealand and started to panic when he realized splashing himself would require moving one of his hands. Turning, he quickly splashed himself with water before shuffling to the bench to sit, his hands still cupped in front. 

Belarus finished piling her long hair on her head before turning to look at Finland, who was busy splashing the stones on top of a small wood-burning stove with more water. “Now that everyone is here, America and l have some questions for you, Finland.”

Finland looked at her, the water ladle in his hand. “Oh?” He dropped the ladle back into the bucket of water next to him. “What do you want to know?” 

“I’m sure you read the news about an alien body discovered in Siberia,” Belarus stated, leaning back and closing her eyes when the fresh wave of steamy heat reached her. “There is evidence that it might be America’s friend Tony, and the clues lead to either you or Norway being the last ones to see him before he was killed.” 

Sealand, Sweden, and Finland all stared at Belarus. 

Sweden cleared his throat, “What ‘vidence is that?” 

America sounded like a young boy the way his voice raised and dropped sharply when he tried to speak. “A McDonald’s bag was found next to the alien’s body. Tony’s been missing for three days.” 

"And the clues pointed to a particular food item only served at McDonald's in Finland and Norway, a McLaks," Belarus added. 

Sealand snorted with laughter, Sweden glared at him and looked at Finland who slowly shook his head. 

“I haven’t eaten at McDonald’s in ages. I really don’t care for it much. I’ve never met Tony either.” 

“ ‘nd he’s been home for weeks,” Sweden added, still giving America a hard look. 

“What’s a McLaks? Never heard of it.” Sealand reached over to grab a vihta from a bucket on the floor. He handed it to Belarus and grabbed another one for himself. 

“Sounds like somethin’ on Norway’s menu,” Sweden added, taking the vihta from Sealand and lightly slapping the boy’s back with it.

America suddenly jumped up from the bench. Staring with shock and horror at naked Sweden flogging naked Sealand with a tree. “I … I uh … have had enough! Thanks … everybody … Oh, God!” He spun around, stumbled over the water bucket by the door and knocked it over before opening the door and tumbling out of the sauna. 

The others all stared at America, wondering what could be wrong with him. Belarus sighed, put her vihta back in the bucket and stood. “I need to go with him. Thank you for time and your laznia.”

After they both had washed up and dressed, America called a cab and they waited on Finland’s front porch for it to arrive. America still felt very shy in front of Belarus. Seeing her naked had not been part of the plan today. 

She sat frowning at the floor of the porch, lost in thought. “That report was wrong. Why was Finland listed with Norway?” 

America shrugged. “No idea. We’ll have to talk to Norway now.” The cab pulled up to the curb then and they both were on their way to Norway. 

It didn’t take long to get to Norway. They already knew he was enjoying his Easter holiday skiing and gave the cab driver directions to his ski cabin in the mountains. America watched the scenery outside his window. “It’s really beautiful here.” 

“The mountains are very pretty,” Belarus added, still annoyed over the error on their information from earlier. It just wasn’t like these researchers to get things wrong. 

They made another hairpin turn up the side of the mountain and the small log cabin came into view. Smoke billowed from the chimney and there was a dim light coming from one of the windows. After paying for the cab, they walked to the door and knocked on it. 

It took some time before the door opened. Norway looked at both of them, giving America a long glance before stepping back to let them in. He walked over to a coffee pot in the kitchen and poured three cups of coffee for them. 

Belarus stood quietly and watched him. America felt increasingly nervous by all of the silence and finally couldn’t help it. “Uh, Hi.” 

Norway glanced at him. “Hei.” He put the coffee mugs on the table and pulled out a chair for Belarus. “Sit.” 

Belarus did so, America sat in the chair next to hers. Norway pushed coffee mugs in their directions and sat down drinking his. “What can I help you with?” He looked over his mug at both of them. 

Belarus spoke up first, glancing at the coffee. “If you’ve been aware of the news, the body of what appears to be an alien was found in Siberia. The only clue left with the body was a fast food bag and a food wrapper inside.” 

Norway’s face showed no emotion at the words. He put his coffee cup down and sat back, looking at them both. “I see.” 

“There’s only one country where McDonald’s serves a salmon burger with dill sauce.” America blurted out, annoyed at how cool Norway seemed to be. 

“Really? That’s interesting. I don’t eat many burgers.” He sipped his coffee, looking down at the table, as though deep in thought. The floating curl next to his head curled up tighter. 

Belarus frowned. “Do you understand what we are saying? This puts someone who eats McDonald’s in Norway at the scene of the crime.” 

“I just said I don’t eat many burgers.” He gave Belarus a cool stare. 

America jumped out of his seat. Planting his palms flat on the table, he leaned over and looked Norway in the eyes. “Did you fuckin’ kill Tony?!” 

“Fuck no!” A funny voice said from a dark corner. 

America’s eyes grew wide and he spun around. “…. TONY?” 

The small grey alien shuffled into the dim light. “Freezing here. Fuck!”

Belarus gaped with wonder at the little alien. After all the time she spent searching for one, and there was a living one right in front of her. She froze in her seat, watching him come forward. This had to be Tony. He had the same habit with foul language that America had. 

America leaped toward Tony and scooped him up. “I thought you were dead!” 

“That was the fuckin idea,” Tony muttered. 

“Huh? Why?” America stared at him. 

“Damn it put me down!” The alien squirmed out of America’s arms and slid back to the floor. He walked over to Norway. “I’m hungry!” 

“Fine.” Norway rose from the table and walked back into the kitchen. He pulled a pizza out of the freezer and unwrapped it. 

“I don’t understand.” Belarus frowned. “Was the alien body we found a deception?” 

“It was, little sister!” Russia’s voice filled the room. He walked through another doorway into the light. “Chicken skin stuffed with stale bread! Looked almost real, didn’t it?”

“You!” America growled. “I knew you were behind this! Why did you make me think Tony was murdered?” Balling his fists he glared at the much taller smiling nation. 

Russia took a seat at the table. Nodding at Norway he looked down at Tony who climbed into America’s chair. “First, because it was fun to see you lose your cool like that. Second, Norway and I … ah … needed Tony’s help.” 

Belarus shook her head. “That wasn’t very nice, big brother. Especially sending us to Finland’s house.”

“I needed to arrive at Norway’s house before you,” Russia replied. He enjoyed the range of emotions currently running across America’s face. 

“What. Did. You. Need. Tony. For?!” America spat out. 

Norway poked his head out of the kitchen. 

“None of your business. Fuck!” 

America looked at Tony. “What?”

“You heard him. He helped Norway and me with some UFO business between the two of us.” Russia smiled at America. 

Norway appeared again, this time with a hot pizza. Tony grabbed the whole pie and devoured it. 

“Anyone else hungry?” Norway asked. 

“Pizza would be good.” Belarus sat next to Tony, staring at him with fascination. 

Russia smiled at Tony as he tore into the pizza. “Pizza works for me too.” 

America slouched back into his seat and glared sullenly at Tony. He wasn’t hungry.


End file.
